I don't know what I'm doing

     I'm just sitting around doing nothing.  I watched South Park with 'Coon and Friends' starting with the first appearance of 'The Coon'.  It's just great stuff, with all the storyboard comic book panels.  It just makes me want to do stuff like that, but, I can't do it as good.  Plus, I need to learn how to use 'Flash' better, get good at writing scripts, making storyboards, and doing the work of thirty people to put together some animation...but then...no one will watch it...uh...yes, they will..no they won't.
     So, I got problems, and I must confront my greatest fears.
     Damn, that is a lot to deal with.

     I don't even have a picture that describes how I feel right now.
 

     Here is a picture.  This will do for now.  :)

     Dang, there is something I should have done a couple of weeks ago, and I missed my opportunity to do it today because I was watching South Park, and wasn't mentally prepared to do it, even though I had the time to do it.  What I had to do, I had to be in the right frame of mind for, some unpleasant business thing.  But now my mind is prepared for it.  I'll do it tomorrow, and try and be free today, and relax about it.  But I can't exactly, and I just want to lay down and take a nap.  But I have things to do.
     I want to drink a beer, but not really.  The idea just sounds good, but it really isn't that good of an idea.  I have class later on.
     No need to go to yoga class with alcohol on my breath, haha.
   
     I get confused by shit.  Family shit.  What it amounts to is it gives me a real good reason to do some science fiction stuff which is completely made-up, and to not base things on anybody that is real or dead.  They don't like being talked about, and why should they?  Some people are fascinated by my family, though, I know I am.  It's all fucked up a little, but it is getting funnier.  It sucks when the others bring me down, and it must suck when I bring them down.  I'll try not to do that.  It is important to have a sense of humor about things.

     I'll have to come up with some original content.  Not easy to do.  Takes time.  I want to own what I do.
     Viacom owns South Park.  At least Trey and Matt get to do what they want, but they are under contract.  I like that they have lawyers they can ask what is and isn't legal for them to do on the show.  They know what lines they can cross, and what they can't.  They would get dirtier and nastier and more graphic if they could, I think.  They inch their way towards it all the time.
    They did cross a line with episodes '200' and '201'.  Some people didn't find those episodes funny, though most did in fact love those ones.  The point is that they are still not available to watch, and that sucks.

     Well, I don't have a job still, and that sucks.  I wonder what I am going to do?  Jobs are a waste of time for me.  Just doing the mindless crap that others don't want to do.  I spent a lot of years doing brain-dead shit, and I don't know what the point of it all was except to financially scrape by.
     I am a product, and I am capable of doing a job.  I just have to find something that I am suitable for.  Things have changed.  I'm older.

     I spent four years washing dishes in a cafe.  That was dumb in retrospect, but I didn't know what else to do.  I met a lot of nice people, though, so that was cool.

     The banks are getting bigger and more powerful, like a Godzilla.

     Individuality is being reduced to rubble.

     What is it all for?  Greed.  Human beings can be something else than what corporations want us to be.  However, we are all pawns in someone else's game plan.  It will always be that way.  The over-riding thread is to conform, or they will make you conform.  They wear you down eventually, gradually.  Water and wind erodes you little by little, until you have nothing left.
     For someone like me, I have to prove my worth in some other way.  I have to show that I have value, that I am worthwhile to someone else.  That I am capable of providing a service that contributes to the over-all well-being.  That I can pay taxes to the powers that be.  That I can be assimilated.
     The struggle has been to define myself, and not be defined by others.  It's called taking a stand.  The family defines you, and keeps you there.  But I rebelled.  I don't care.  I played their game, and then there is nothing left for me.  That is no fun.

     So now what?  I don't know.  Do some painting, I suppose.

I like the rain

     Of course it is much nicer when you have a home to get all snuggly and warm in.  I'm glad I do.  Being out there with no place to go sucks.  I've been there.  Which makes me think that people without homes or a place to stay on days like this, well, you think they would  reach a point where they say, "I'm sick of this shit!  I want a place to live and a nice little oven to cook a nice warm meal on."  But if you are on drugs, it fucks up your thinking, and you only think about your next score.  So that is why they stay homeless...well, part of the reason.  It is complicated, I suppose.  All I know is I never want to be without a home ever again.
     Anyway, having trouble.  No I'm not.  I'm just concerned about the general population who make youtube comments don't seem to know the difference between their, they're, and there.  That is a lot of people who weren't paying attention in class that day.
     I like the song "Rain" by The Beatless.  I like to call them that sometimes.  I listened to a good, loud, clean version of 'Across The Universe' by John Lennon, and it made me cry.  His voice can send shivers down my spine, or make me feel things.  I can listen to music all day, but his voice gets me sometimes.  When he sung, "Oooooooh" in "She Loves You" I wonder when all the girls screamed after that if his voice had tickled some gutteral part of them.  I bet there were a lot of wet panties after a Beatles concert.
     I actually have to get out of here.  I have a Magic The Gathering card game to get to, and I'm just sitting here dicking around.  I don't know if anyone reads my blogs, but I like to practice my writing.  Use it or lose it.
     I saw some great stuff on youtube today.  Lots of good music.  Youtube is a great resource.

     I gotta get out of here.

     I would completely write about naked ladies and sex if I was sure if I could put naked pictures here.  I don't know if I am allowed, so that is why I don't do it.  The pictures help me to write, and gives me something to write about, so it is hard to write about sex if there are no pictures to work from.  Suddenly all I feel like writing about is pissing and urinals.  

     Great blog, David.  I don't care.  I'm in the editing stage of this blog.  Usually, I don't fix them.  This is a pretty fucked up entry.  All over the place.  I don't care.  Who cares?  Not me.
     It was a good night at the card game, we had some laughs, but the piano devestator continued his streak of ruining our games with his slamming piano.  Ugh.

     Hey man, I sip my lemonade.  It feels good to drink lemonade.  It tastes real good and tart.  I just want to lay down soon, though.

     No one may read my blog anytime soon, but they may someday.  You never know.

     I talked to one of my former models at the bar.  She's a sweet girl.  I've drawn her naked many times.  I miss that.  She was a good model, and a very pleasant person.  She had large, bulbous breasts for a short girl, I used to love to draw her.  A nice caboose, too.  Dang.  I got to get back into a figure drawing class, haha.  I can draw anything I want from the computer screen now, but it isn't the same as seeing it live.

     I wonder what I am doing right now, or what my plans are?  Hmmm, I'm not sure exactly.  I'm 43 now.  Reading a book seems like a good idea.

I need $10,000.

  Then I can give my brothers some money.  Well, not easy to get.  That's the problem.  I was hoping to be a famous artist by now, but that hasn't exactly happened yet.  Oh well, what can you do?  I am going to have to come up with something.  I might even have to, gulp, work...a regular job.  I've done it before, no big deal.  I just find them so tedious, and a waste of my time, especially for what they pay me as compensation.  That's been my experience.

     Well, here are two ideas for children's books I came up with today.  Not serious, just a cartoon, but I had fun making the video commercial of this.

     Damn, Matthew Barney has a career, and I don't, even though I'm not especially crazy about his work.  The upper class bigwigs like him.  He caters to that audience quite well.  I'm kind of lower class, I suppose, and have the marketing skills of William Blake or Henry J. Darger.  Oh well.  Where did I go wrong?  Right from the vagina, I suppose.

     My facebook is down temporarily for a site issue.  Something got fucked up, don't know what.  It was working fine one minute, then the next, not working.  I abuse my facebook privileges, I suppose, posting stuff every three minutes.  Just how I've been doing it lately, just having fun.

     Yeah, my family needs money, and I need a job.  I can't save them all, I can barely save myself.  So it is a thinker.  At least the blog helps me think things through a little.  It all gets a little confusing with the overwhelming circumstances life presents sometimes.  Just how it goes.

     I'm trying to get ready for an art show.  I am wondering if I should go low brow or high brow.  Put my best work up?  I could do that, but what fun would that be?  I don't have a lot of really good work anyhow.  I don't even know what art is anymore, besides just some kind of entertaining thing that people make for people who don't want to see a movie that night.  Uh...you can see I have an attitude problem.  I don't think it is all that harmful.  Yeah, sometimes I wonder about myself, too.  Who doesn't?  I don't think anyone will read this anyway, so what does it all matter?  Haha.  I can always edit this motherfucker later.

     Maybe I broke facebook with all the crap I post.  I can live without facebook, but I am already having withdrawals, oh no.  Must get on facebook.  Must get on facebook.  I have plenty to do anyhow without facebook.  It is mostly a distraction, but it does make it easy to write notes to friends and family without the big deal of an e-mail.  Just a short, little note...ok, three paragraphs...haha.

     I'm a pain in the ass, gotta figure out what to do about that, if anything.

     All my videos are on 'David Lovins 67' if by a freak chance some stranger reads this and wants to see my videos.

     It was worth a shot. 

     The events of the day certainly justifies me getting a beer.

Monday, Monday, yeah, yeah, yeah.

      It's Monday.  Whoo-hoo.  How exciting.  Can't wait to start another day and another week all at the same time.
     I did my traditional 'Go to the coffee shop and draw session, and get slightly annoyed by other people' thing again...haha.
     People asked me for cigarettes, a bum walked into the cafe to fill his cup with cream from the dispenser which the owner of the cafe didn't like, a woman talked on her cell phone right behind me, and put her mother on hold for several minutes.  Some woman in her fifties talking about Thanksgiving food.  She bitched about what people brought, or didn't bring, and there I was trying to work on my Iron Maiden illustration, so she put a damper on things.  She didn't care.  Just in her own world, talking to her phone, and then her dog.  She did end up being nosy, walked past my table, and then stood right over my shoulder looking at what I was drawing, probably looking at the long dick that I drew on the devil, and being repulsed or whatever, but still being fascinated enough to look, but not saying anything, of course, because she had nothing to say.  Plus, she lied to her own mother, as she put her on hold talking to someone else, and told her mother she was having trouble with her new phone.  This woman probably hasn't gotten laid in twenty years, and she seemed to do everything to annoy me and distract me from my illustration work.  What a ....!

     So this is what the woman was looking at, haha.  "I guess whatever people are into," she said on her precious cell phone.
     She probably hasn't thought about a good long, hard one in quite some time, with her fluffy black and white dog sitting at her side.

     Haha, glad I can laugh about it now, I was annoyed in her presence.  If she wasn't so in my way, I wouldn't be writing about her.
     Anyway, speaking of writing, I really enjoyed the 'Family Guy' episode I saw last night where Brian writes a #1 bestseller, and Stewie becomes his agent.  'Family Guy' keeps delivering the goods, so I don't know what to say, it is a great show, even though it pretty much started being a copy of the Simpsons, because Seth was a fan of the show and wanted to do something similar.  Uh, but I like the 'Family Guy'.  'The Cleveland Show' and 'American Dad' just aren't as good.  I watch those by default.

     Uh....so with the prospect of thinking about how no one reads this blog that I know of...not even me...I just write the entries and pretty much forget about them...hard to read your own writing...eventually I will...to see what the hell I was thinking on a particular day,..or to proofread..or to upgrade...or ....whatever....god, I hate when people use 'whatever' in spoken dialogues...it is so lazy of them..and it is used in such a snotty way.....a very nasal way...ugh.

     So my coffee was really good, and I got to hang out and talk with a friend, who has begun showing me his writings and drawings.  All works in progress, he really does it for therapy.  He is coming along with the stuff, but isn't that serious about it.  He writes and draws for himself, but in showing it to me, it is already taking it to another level, as opposed to keeping the work absolutely secret.  I don't show anybody my work unless they ask, but I usually have something on display at the coffeeshop if someone is interested, and most of the time they sneak peaks but never say anything.

     Uh...today is yoga...I don't go to the noon class anymore...because one of my favorite teachers' class is at 5:30 p.m.  She is marvelous.  It's a real yoga class.  Very chill in there, but she is into 'awareness', too.  She is a cool lady.  It's good for me to go.

     I've been thinking about all things Alice, after seeing the Tim Burton film, "Alice Goes To Middle Earth'.  My 'Alice Finds Some Spanking Tools' got 227 hits in one day.  That is phenomenal for me.  It's my first video to break into Japan, with twelve hits....they were probably hoping to see some white underwear or something...haha.  It takes all kinds, people need their fantasies to help get them through the drudgery of another goddamn, boring day, especiall with nagging wives and crying kids at home, it must drive the average man insane.  I've by-passed the family thing for myself, I don't think I could handle years of crying and diapers, and not having enough money to make the wife happy, that would suck, and would feel like such a burden, trying to impress the in-laws with your bread-winning skills...ugh...I'll have no part of it.  I'm still trying to figure out how to make ends meet for myself, much less for a family.  I guess I could get a job,...but doing what?  I noticed yesterday that you can apply online at Subway, and then I guess they analyze your personal information, but never hire you, and why the hell would I want to assemble sandwiches anyway?  Sounds like a hell job, all for minimum wage, too.

     I like the blogs, now.  I can just write whatever the hell I want.  I know, I said 'whatever'.  Fuck it, I don't care.  Yes, I do.  What if some publisher reads my shit?  Unlikely.  Just like it is unlikely that any human being would sift through this blog.  I haven't read many blogs, because I can't find any that are worth reading, and text on a computer screen isn't always too terribly pleasant.

     I've liked the thought of being a writer for many years.  My original plan at age twenty was to get an art portfolio together and a writing portfolio together.  It still hasn't happened that I have done that.  Just laziness, and 'what is the point?'  I don't know.  To make money?  But who would buy my work?  I don't know.  Who would read what I write?  I don't know.  The print media is mostly going down the tubes anyhow.  People don't read anymore, unless it is 'Harry Potter' or something like that. 

     I wouldn't mind drinking a beer and doing some painting right now, but I have yoga later, and no point in going to class after drinking alcohol, haha.  Sometimes I drink beer on a night before class, when I need a little 'sippy'.

     Goddamn it, I have to piss, which to most female readers would be 'too much information than they need to know', though I hear women say that shit all the time.  Women talk about body functions frequently in mixed company for the same reasons men do it...because it is funny...well, sometimes.  But I am sure no one wants to read how my bladder is about to explode from drinking too much coffee....brb.

     Ah, I feel better now.  Much better.  Now I can think.  Funny when you have to pee real bad, and you can't think.

     I have found that the music of Iron Maiden is very good music to paint to.  When I need to 'get into that zone' so I can make paintings, Iron Maiden works for me.  If they are aging and still going at it, I can, too, I guess.

     "Inspiring" is a funny word to use, associated with creative projects, especially those designed to make money.  I used to use it more often, but I am aware of it now, so I try to avoid it.  But people use the word 'inspired' to talk about a record they made or something, as if god gave them to power and incentive to do it.  The brain just gets bored and needs something to do, don't know if there is really that much 'inspiration' going on.  I said the word 'inspired' during an art critique once.  It didn't go over too well with my teacher.  Oh well.  I was young( er ).

      Uh.............I like painting beer bottles.  I like the tactility.  Working on flat surfaces gets boring after twenty years, so it is fun to just let go on an unsuspecting beer bottle.

     Does this Christian Girl look like she is going to get on her knees to pray?  Or to get on her knees for something else?  Haha.  Stupid facebook ads, I'm sick of this company, as they present Christian girls as wanton sluts.    

The Day After.

     I don't feel like doing a goddamn thing.  But I have to work and do stuff.  I have an art show coming up.

     I'm still taking little sips from my whiskey bottle.  I haven't bought a bottle of  'Old Crow' in a long time.  It is good with coffee, or with beer.  Just little baby sips to get a 'kick'.  When you get to be 42, you need something.  Life gets boring and dull, I like that most of the time, but now it is getting a little cold, and it is harder to make art when it is cold.  Even at the cafe, I could barely draw, but I finally made myself do it.

     I am a little depressed and down, but that is normal.  I'll make it through another holiday season, no problem.  A lot of people die during the holidays, because they just can't stand the drudgery of another year.  Rich people can go to their winter home to keep their spirits up, but most people have to just suffer and endure.

     I did my research on strip clubs and strippers on wikipedia.  They had some pretty racy pictures for wikipedia, I was impressed.  Anyway, I was looking for the number of strippers currently working in the U.S.  I could not find that number.  Worldwide, stripping is a $75 billion dollar industry.  Makes you think.  I'm just wondering how many nice, innocent girls end up being strippers to pay the bills, because society doesn't offer enough jobs for people, according to their skills?  What a great world we live in. 

     I watched Sarah Silverman's 'Jesus Is Magic'.  She has a potty mouth, but I love her.  Sometimes with her songs, they come across as a little flat, but that is just her style.  She makes it seem as if she doesn't want to put 'too much work' into the lyrics.  Adam Sandler's 'Thanksgiving Song' nails it, though, with carefully set-up lyrics.
     Funny songs are pretty awesome.

     Anyway, I need to figure out how to make some money.  Always a problem.  I just have to figure out how to slut and whore myself out.  The best thing I got going for me is my artwork.  People don't want me as much as they want my art.  They will pay for my art, but not really for me.  I am trying to develop a personality and persona.  Takes time.  I'm not 'a-scared' of putting myself on youtube and facebook constantly.  I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  I am trying to get better with my 'inter-personal people skills'.  Not easy.  I can be very friendly when I need to be, but when I am in work mode, I shut everybody out, because I can't hear myself think.  Working while talking to 1-3 people on the internet kind of makes the train derail from its' tracks, but somehow I pull it together.  I do, after all, need people, just like anybody else.  Impossible and not encouraged to live on a private island within your soul.

     I took this picture of a girl sitting with purple pants in the Bart station yesterday.  I like things in profile.  I like how her body is within the perpendicular space.  You can draw a straight line from the wall where her back is to her boots.  I like the straight line where her butt is.  She looks like she could be a figurine for a bookend.  I like how her butt is pliable enough to make such a straight line.  It's cute.

     I've always been amused by butts.  I can't help it.  I find butts to be pretty funny.  They come in all shapes and sizes, so I never get tired of them.  'Sticky out butts' on women are my favorite.
     Sarah Silverman has a surprisingly flat butt, which is part of her charm, I suppose.  Her boobs look enormous, I wonder if she had them done.  She is skinny everywhere else.  She is like a pole with two big melons tied two-thirds up.

     Here is the painting of Homer Simpson I did for my sister.  It is right above her sink in the kitchen.  It's a great place for it.  Such a pain to wash dishes, at least Homer is there to make you laugh.

     Here is a photo of a girl I got from a video, where she showed everything and had sex with two guys.  It just seems all kind of normal and natural to me.  I was warned about porn growing up from the church, but I don't see that it actually does anything to me.  It's what people do.  In this world, it is a business, and a big one at that.  There is a stigma in the art world about making images that are pornographic, though some artists do it, and get away with it, depends on the artist, and what he is trying to do.  I've seen slightly pornographic art done by women, where they do detailed drawings of their vaginas and other body parts.  It doesn't seem to offend anyone, except making family members a little uncomfortable, but that isn't the artist's problem.

     I would put other pictures I took up on this blog, but I don't think I am allowed to, so I won't.  It is like I need a lawyer who can tell me what I can or can not do.  Most images are okay to put up, ones that I know are 'Rated G' in nature, those are fine.  I get bored eventually with that stuff, and I'm not interested in creating content for people under 18, too much, unless I really get into children's books and programming, or something like that, but I find making art simply to entertain a child to be kind of boring for me, unless there are things to do with dialogue that make it interesting for me.

     In 'Breakfast At Tiffany's', I just interpret the movie as 'Audrey Hepburn figures out what to do with her cat, which metaphorically, is her vagina.
     It's a sweet movie, so innocent in a way.
     I ought to read the book.  I can't trust Hollywood to adapt books to films.  They have their reasons for doing what they do, and most of those reasons are business reasons.

     I saw Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland Meets Lord of The Rings' yesterday, too.  There were a couple of sins in that movie, like the break dancing at the end.  There were some troubles with dialogue.  Early on, it was '..you and me...'  I find that a 19th century woman of good standing in Victorian England would never dare utter a variance of 'you and I'.
     With all the money they have to make the movie, you would think they would use some of it to hire a writer who is good with dialogue.  Poor Crispin Glover didn't have much to work with in his final scenes in the movie.                

     I also saw 'Up'.  It was a movie watching day.  Anyway....uh...I had an emotional reaction towards the end, where I actually cared about what was going on in the movie.  The music eventually got to me.  I began to feel for the characters.  I must be human after all, and not an android.  It's that 'welling up' feeling inside that one sometimes gets in movies.  Movies throughout my life have made me feel things, and you always wish afterward that you can retain that feeling, but then you walk out of the theater, and the feeling starts to slip away painfully.  You wish it would go on forever.  But it doesn't, even when watching the movie for a second time. 

     So Audrey is a special girl.  I'll have to read up on her.  Humphrey Bogart wasn't a big fan of hers.  He was a codgy old man by the time he met her anyway, haha.

   

     Here is my cartoon of Bruce Dickenson from 'Iron Maiden'.  Like a lot of singers, he likes to talk inbetween songs, and you just want him to sing the song.  I like Bruce anyway.  The last time I saw him, he went off on some tangent about how people would rather go see Brittney Spears, but there were 3000 people who paid to see him, so there was no need for Bruce to be a 'Mr. Complainer' about what the state of popular music was.       

     I took this picture from 'The S.F. Weekly' which was laying on the cement near the door to my building.  Lots of women strip in this town in order to pay rent, and have nice things.  The strippers are exploited by management while they exploit the customers.  Management should treat strippers well, though, because they wouldn't have a business without them.

     Uh, I'm just getting into 'holiday cheer mode', but I can't really forget about how the world actually works with all the crime and corruption.  Somehow, I have to sell myself so I can live in this world.  I would like to do it with my art, but so far, while I have had many successes, it isn't enough to sustain myself full-time yet.  I work on it every day, don't know what else to do.  I know I have something to give, just have to keep doing it.  Wish me luck, a lot of luck.  But it is also time to really do my research, and get some business opportunities happening.  I just have to play the game.  Not a pretty thing to do, but I have to do it.  Maybe it will be fun.

     It would help if I got a phone, duh.    

    

So...just drinking some whiskey

     I'm just sitting around, doing a little painting, and drinking some whiskey.
     Got some beer, too.
     Gonna go over to a sibling's place, and have some dinner.
     Hard to get too excited about the holidays.
     Still hard to believe people get all caught up in the shopping bonanza.
     At this point, people should make more gifts, and just give people cash to buy what they want, instead of the rigmarole of returning gifts.  The shopping madness just makes me think that most people are crazy.

     I've been thinking about the plains of Utah and Wyoming, and where ever else there are 'Plains'.  I did not know that 'Magic The Gathering' is real, but it is.  MTG has a real life art connection for me now.  No longer can I look at a landscape without thinking of it as a magic card.  Lands have power.  Just ask any Monopoly player, real estate agent, or home owner.  Most people are nothing if they don't have land, and that is most people.  Land is soul.  There are increasingly fewer chances to own land in this country.  It's a shame.  Just how it is.

     'Secluded Steppe' really looks like some places I've seen in Utah and Wyoming.  Just vast areas of open land.   You can feel that a million years has been there.   

Oh...It's Thanksgiving

     "Okay, so here is my Iron Maiden illustration.  It's coming along.  I work on it an hour or two everyday in the morning when my mind is most clear at the coffee shop.  I'm completely re-doing 'The Number of The Beast" album art, just for kicks.  I'm taking some liberties with the type.  I don't care if it is perfect.  They can fix any part of this drawing on the computer, if anyone ever cares enough to do that.  I certainly don't, not right now.  I haven't warmed up to the idea of doing art on the computer yet.  I will someday, when there is a reason to do it.
     I'm gonna do some drinking today.  Whiskey and coffee sounds good, haven't done that for a while, not since last Sunday...haha.  No, it's different at the bar, as opposed to buying a bottle of whiskey, and going for it.  I got the cigarette store next door, they sell coffee, and I'm going to get a $5 bottle of 'Old Crow', and I'm going to go into 'sippy cup' mode.  I survived another year, somehow.
     I'm glad Eddie is with me."