What's The Point?

     There is no point.  Not really.  None at all.
     Anyway, I dragged myself to yoga class.  I have a swell teacher on Friday.  She is very athletic.  She is a very positive person, and only wants to hear positive things.  She is a lovely person. 
     I'm not crazy about her class, though.  It is very difficult.  It is a hatha flow class.
     I'm 43, and it is a little fast-paced for me.  It doesn't give me time to get my muscles warmed up, but then they do get warmed up, and I am fine.
     Well, there are a lot of cute girls in the class.  Let's just say it gets very cheeky in there.
     If it was up to me, I'd just sit in there and draw all the poses.
     I've studied with this teacher for over two years.  She is very attractive and beautiful.
     She just got married recently.
     She is studying writing, and I'd love to read what she writes. 
     So this teacher does her thing, and I'm lucky to have such a good teacher.
     Instead of languishing around all day, I feel all energized. 
     My calves feel a tingle.
     Nope, it was not easy today. 
     I actually quit her class in December, but then she was so nice to me in the hall that I decided to go back.
     I don't know if anybody cares if I am there or not.
     I'm just an aging dude in there, and I don't really belong.  There's a couple of guys older than me in there.  It feels weird with all the  young girls.  Many are in their twenties.  From my point of view, it is fine with me.  Younger woman, older guy works out just fine.  I don't think any of them would go out with me.  I have a degenerate life-style with my chain-smoking and drinking anyhow.
     Even with all the yoga, I just don't feel like being the yoga guy.  I'd rather just do my art thing.  I just do the yoga so I don't keel over and die before my work is done.
     I would like to draw all those yoga girls, though.  They are so damn cute.  I often try and draw them from memory, but it doesn't work too good.
     I also try not to stare too much at their butts, but sometimes I can't help it if a girl is particularly cheeky, or the light is hitting them in a certain way.  Sometimes the reflection in the mirror shows them off pretty good.
     All in all, it's just an exercise class, and it is hard, and fun, and I feel better after it is all done.

     Well, I could talk about the locker room.  More naked guys today with everything hanging out.  To me, it is a little unclassy to just walk into the steam room fully nude, with no attempt to cover up.  Who wants to see it?  Not me.  The nudity doesn't bother me as much as 'okay, here is a guy who wants complete strangers to see his dick and ass'.  Okay, maybe it is fun for him.  Maybe it is a little too much fun for him.  I have seen men with 'half-mast' in there.  Thankfully, not often.  I did hear a story where a guy was jacking off in there, and other people were watching, but there is a sign that clearly states that no sexual activity is allowed.  If anyone does that stuff, they will have their membership denied.  But I get the feeling in the locker room that there are those who want to have a naked parade and do stuff.  Maybe they should take it to a gay bath house.  The YMCA is a Christian organization supposedly.  Anyway, I see some well-hung cocks in there, and yeah, I wish people would make use of their towel to cover up when walking around.  Sometimes it is okay, but there are guys in there where being naked in the locker room is their favorite aspect of going to the gym.  Then there are the guys who look and watch every guy who goes in and out of the shower.  I often feel eyes on me, and I see guys checking other guys out.  Ugh.  Then there are the guys who are in the shower, and they check out the guys in there.
     There are two sides of showers.  The back shower area I consider the gay side, and the first area is the hetero side.  I just shower where there are less dudes.  I just want to take a shower, not check out other guys.  Male nudity bores me.  Francis Bacon and David Hockney would have a field day in this gym I suppose.

     Anyway, so the girls at the YMCA are pretty damn cute.  I haven't befriended hardly anyone there.  No one seems interested in me, so I try not to bother anybody.  They seem to like it that way.  It's been my experience that if a girl really wants to talk to me, date me, or hang out, that she will find a way to communicate that.  There is no point on going out on a limb for a girl who doesn't want your attention.

     You can't date anyone at school, at work, at church, at the gym, or anywhere.  Not at the bar, either, unless you are with friends.  Well, that is why I am alone, and plus, I mostly want to be alone.

     I don't even know what I am doing, I am just trying to get ready for an art show.

     I would love to do a yoga studio painting.  I would like to do a big painting of that, but some of the people would be nude, and some would be clothed.  That would be a fun painting to make.  I don't know if my yoga teachers would like that, or maybe they would?  I have no idea.
     I wish I could just go in there and shoot some video, take some pictures, and do my practice.  That would be fun. 
     I just want one picture of thirty girls in downward dog, haha.

     So, I have made seventy-five cents on this blog so far.  That isn't very good at all.

     I would like to write all the stuff about my family, but they wouldn't like that much.  I have no outlet to express how I feel about them.  I can't talk to them about anything except the surface stuff.  They all have their own problems, anyhow. 
     I don't know what I think about them anymore.  They are just fine.  Everyone needs money, though.  Hell, I need money, so I am going to have to try and figure that one out.
     All I can hope for is some sales of my art.  That would be nice.  I don't think a lot of people have money for art, but many do in this city.  I guess I have to cater to people who can afford my art.  Who cares about poor people?  They can't do anything for me.  If a hot chick wanted a piece of art, I would not mind negotiating with her, it depends on the art piece she wants, and what she is willing to do for it.  Max Ernst traded sex for art on at least one occasion, haha.

     I've been watching a lot of Howard Stern.  I found his unaired Fox show on youtube, and now I am watching his Channel 9 show which I have never really seen, so with at least 69 shows to watch, I have a lot of good viewing ahead of me.  Fun, fun, fun.  Nice to walk down the memory lane of the 90's.  I was in school, I missed out on a lot.

     Anyway, I'm going to try and get some painting done today.  It is cold today, I'm still wearing my jacket.

     Let's see, what else is there?  I'm still thinking about yoga girl butt cheeks, actually.  I'd like to get my hands on some of those.

     At a certain point, you just don't care anymore what other people think of you.  What does it matter anyhow?  What am I going to do, live a lie, and not write about what I think?  What would be the point of that? 
     Okay, I want to fuck at least half the girls in the yoga program.  They are all so damn cute.  Even some of the ones who aren't your typical idea of beauty.  I just want to experience it all in this world.
     There is nothing after this life.  You just die.
     Adam and Eve is just a made-up story.  What a joke.  I don't even know if Adam and Eve were the first Jews, much less the first humans.  I don't even know if there actually was an Adam and Eve.  Maybe there was.  The account of their life in The Bible is missing a lot of info.
     It is silly that people take The Bible literally as a history.  As a word of god, well, there are lots of words missing.
     There are lots of good things about The Bible, but for the most part, fuck that book.  I read Chapter 1 out loud, and it felt as if it was written for a ten year old.
     Anyway, there is my rant for the day.  Maybe this entry will get me some hits, maybe not.  I can't expect much from this blog.  I get a lot more hits from youtube.  The blog is a lot harder to build up than my youtube channel.
     I wonder what my fellow yoga students would say if they knew I wanted to fuck some of them?  They would probably be repulsed.
     I just have a hard time getting into that whole yoga tree-hugging touchy feely positive good vibe thing, which is nice and fine.  I don't really feel increased spirituality after two years of yoga.  I feel more humanism, though, and that is good.
     I was jaded and cynical going into the program, so that is how I still am mostly.
     Plus, artists are rare at the Y.  Most of the people really do go there to work out, and I don't care about that all that much.
     I just want to have a good time.

Today is Wednesday ( Another Fucked Up Day )

     I don't have any new ideas.  I'm trying to think of what to do for my next video, but I can't come up with any ideas yet.  It takes time.
     What usually happens is I just sit there, and an idea starts to form.  It can take a while.  I just don't know what to do next, or what I want to do.  Hard to work when it is a little cold.  I'll get over it, just takes a while.  I just have to keep working.
     Mostly, I'm just getting ready for my art show.  That takes a while, too.  I paint, and I paint, and that is all I can do sometimes.  Sometimes the work seems to go nowhere.  Eventually magic happens, though.
     ( I hate this blog entry, I should just delete it. )  ( No, keep going....)  ( Uh...ok....).
     I'm just trying to figure out what I want to do.  Hmmmmm....it's a thinker.  I think about art all day long.
     I played Free Realms for an hour.  That was fun.  I earned money, and worked on my castle.  That takes time, too.  I decorated.  I left the fashion show in progress.  I didn't want to do that.
     I had a good class today.
     I hung out with a friend.
     Uh...and now I am here.
     And now what?  I hate to start sentences with 'and'.  I don't like to see that in journalism much, unless there is a good reason.  I don't know why I do it.  I don't know why 'and' became acceptable in newspapers to start a sentence with.  It didn't use to be that way.
     I just want to get fucked.  That is my problem right now.  No one to fuck.  No one to fuck me.  Damn.  Sometimes I need it bad.  Oh well.
     ( I ought to delete this whole entry, it sucks really bad. )
     Anyway, I bought a terriyaki bowl.  We'll see how that goes.  I prepped it, and now I am heating up water.  It is one of those instant deals.  I bought it for a buck.
     I ought to just write a bunch of bullshit on this blog.  I don't care.  I don't expect anyone to read this.  I might as well lie about everything, or I suppose I could tell the truth, but that is boring.  I could write what I really think and feel.
     I do have people I want to write about, but I can't use their names.  Hmmmm, I don't know what to do about that.  Nah, people don't like the truth.
     I just want to play an online game.  I don't know what I am doing working on this blog.
     I just want to watch some porn, and look for some good models to draw.  I like to do that.
     I bought a new pack of paper, 100 sheets.  I use the paper for my palette, and for my daily drawings and writings.
     I don't know what I am doing today.  I sat in the cold for too long.  Takes a while to get warmed up again.
     I had my coffee, I went to meet a friend, she wasn't there, I went to class, she showed up afterwards, we hung out, and talked, we had a good time drinking coffee and tea, and we had a nice quiet time.  Nothing happened.  It was just a hanging out session.  She is a good person.  I like her.
     Now the goblin war drums have started next door, which is all I need right now.
     I only work blue.  I like that line.  I was thinking about it today.
     I know this guy named Thomas.  I don't know how I feel about him.  I'd like to write about him, but I don't know how.  I think he is full of shit.  He is all about talk, but doesn't do jack shit.  I generally do not know what to do about Thomas.  I think something is wrong with him.  But his problems are not my problems, not anymore.  I don't know why I spend time talking with him.  It's a waste of time, just more bullshit every time we talk.  Nothing has changed, it is all the same.  Okay, enough about Thomas right now.  He is a pain in the ass, anyhow.  I guess he has some good aspects to him, but those qualities I've been waiting to show up for a long time.
     Now I get to listen to the band anyways.  Oh what joy.  Bunch of untalented assholes.  I hope they get better.
     Led Zeppelin stole a lot of material, but it is what they did with it that matters.  They just sound better than just about any other band.  They are talented.  Okay, so they are plagiarists.  That's a problem legally.  Not my problem, though.
     Let's see, what is next?  I don't know.  I say that a lot.
     Star Trek.  My brother got me on a Star Trek kick starting from last night.  We like to watch Star Trek together.  It is fun.  It is something we like to do.  Star Trek is a good gathering place for us.  Star Trek is so serious, we like that, it makes us laugh.
     The band is going.  Bless their hearts.  Even though they suck, they do create energy that often pisses me off, but at least it keeps me working, because god knows I can't sleep through this shit.  They are more talented than I will ever be musically, but that isn't saying much.  The lead singer is really hard to listen to.  Ugh.  They are a noob band.  Maybe someday they will get good, but I doubt it.  At least they are trying to do basic covers now.  That is good, then they can figure out how music actually works.
     I love all the people in my yoga class.  They fill me with love for the human race, then that helps me to make it through the day.  Some of the women I love just for them being them.  Of course I like all the bodies.  I draw in my mind as if I had paper and pencil on me while I am doing class.  It is all very interesting.  I like all the shapes we make in class.  It feels good.  Okay, that is enough about yoga.  I could write more.  I don't want to get into trouble about what I think.  Who would I get in trouble with?  I don't know.  Okay, some of the women I lust after, or at least I used to.  Now I just see them all as people.  But I sure would like to paint them.  That reminds me, I want to make a yoga studio painting.  Okay, some of those yoga women are hot.
     I just want to see everybody naked, actually.  Well, I've had enough of looking at naked men in the YMCA locker room.  It's so something I don't care about, and I wish some of those men would wear towels.  I don't know.  I'd rather see naked women.  I would rather be in the women's locker room, and just draw pictures in there.  But that can never happen. 
     Well, in order to be a writer, you have to read a lot, and write a lot.  There are no short cuts. 
     I don't care about writing fiction.  All I care about is writing whatever I feel like writing that day, and sometimes fiction comes out, and sometimes not.  It all doesn't matter to me.  I just like to do what I feel like doing.  Of course that is a problem if I want to make money writing.  I don't at this time, I don't care right now.
     I don't have an editor.  Maybe I should get one.  Maybe I should edit myself.  I don't like to do that, though.  I like to be free.
     Let's see, what I going on?  I don't know.  A lot is going on politically, but I don't care about politics all that much.  The drama of the newspapers bore me.  I don't like to get all wrapped up in what the newspapers say.  I feel that I am lied to when I read The Chronicle.  It doesn't feel like the whole story.  Something is wrong.  It is okay as a basic news source, that is all it is.  It isn't a showcase for great writing or great journalism by any means.  It is corporate news for the masses.  Boring.  That stuff will fuck up your head if you read too much.
     Let's see....what else can I bitch about?

Sunday

     I'm just hanging out, painting, and doing computer stuff.  A lot of things are interesting to me.

The Man With The X-Ray Eyes

     He stood there looking at the woman.

     She was beautiful.

     ( This is a sci-fi story that I am working on right here on the blog.  I will update this entry when I get new ideas. )