Art is a Weapon

     "Aw, Christ," the artist exhaled to himself as he set up his laptop in the cafe.
     "It's been a while, a couple of days since I typed in here...I've been busy, and I've been drunk."

     Anyway, where should I begin?
     This entry should have been typed in yesterday.  I guess I am still trying to sort it all out in my head.
     I didn't even know what day it was yesterday.  I had to ask.

     Ok, at least I know it is Thursday, December 29th.  That is a start.
     I have to buy a couple of canvasses today.  It can not wait another day, though, I would rather just sit at home and take it easy.
     I tried to make money last night, but it didn't work.  My mission was a failure.
     The day before, I made $38, though.  That was epic.  Now I have to make a painting for some guy that I don't really want to do.  It is too long of a story, maybe I'll get around to it, maybe not.  But basically, I sold a painting in advance, and now I have to do it.  I only got $20 from him, so I guess I can always back out.  It is no big deal, so I shouldn't traumatize myself over it.
     If I had gotten it together, I guess I would painting in the cafe right now.
     I'm a little behind schedule.
   
     "Fuck it all, I should just enjoy my coffee, and breathe in some air," the artist thought to himself.

     Anyway, I was at the bar for the last two nights in a row.

     I would rather sit at home and play 'Lord of The Rings Online'.
     That game freaks me out.  I finally get to go to Middle Earth.  So, I go there, and there I am.  I waited a life time to go, and now I can every day if I want.  It is incredible.  I can't even put into words.
     Even though it is just a facsimile, it is the closest thing ever to actually being there.
     It is a pretty fun game, too.

     Anyway, my mind is a mess.  It is just jumbled up right now, so I am here to make sense of it if I can.

     One thing is for sure, I can't write the first thing in the morning in my studio.  I actually have to leave and go to the cafe.  It is a process.  Then when I get here, I am in text mode.

     What is writing anyway?  I am not sure.  It is a bunch of letters that make words.  They have pictorial meaning and a usage history.

     Anyway, the other day started at Cafe Prague where I had some beers, and laughed so hard I had a coughing fit, and fell off the bar stool onto the floor.
     Then I sold a painting in advance that I still have to do.  I got paid $20 in advance.
     Then I proceeded to make $18 drawing people on napkins.  I was on a roll.
     So, I had no money, and then I had money.
     Then I gave my friend $14.  Then I bought us pizza for $7.  Then I found some woman who agreed to get naked so I could take pictures for $5.  Then I gave some other woman $2.  Then all I had in the morning was four quarters in my pocket, for the grand total of $1.
     What a night.  Then my bank money came in, and I was rich again.

     Last night, I attempted the same money making venture, but it didn't work.  So, I was content with just hanging out.  I had a good time.

     One thing is for sure, I don't want to go back to my old job.  I have to become successful as an artist.  I have my work cut out for me, and I have to be real good.  I have to be superb.  I don't know if I have ever been superb at anything.

     'Clone Wars Adventures' is going good.  I made a new video yesterday.  It is already getting hits.

     Earnest Hemingway.  Journalist.  Writer.  Is his work good?  Does it matter?  Does anybody care?  He is one hell of a writer, though, no doubt.  But given a choice, would I rather read Bukowski or Hemingway?

     Do writers even stand a chance of making a living?  Not really.

     Man, I am a train wreck.

     I love blogging, and I love my keyboard set-up.  It is an external USB keyboard.  I still need one that is more like a typewriter, though.  I want it to feel like a typewriter.  Someday they will figure it out, I suppose.
     All I need is a keyboard that emulates a typewriter.  It just doesn't feel right when I type.  It feels wrong.
     I need my machine to feel like the earth.

     So, I have pictures of the hag that got naked for me.  This is the only blog I have that is set to 'adult', so I can post them here, at least the ones that I think are halfway decent.
     Just be patient with me, I will eventually do it.
     I have a lot going on with all the computer stuff I am doing.  It all takes time, you know.

     It is amazing with the computer technology.  It is really impressive, and it is funny that a lot of people just do their 'two-thumbed' chat to talk mostly about nothing.  It is just stuff to fill in the time.  It makes people happy, so there is no harm to it.

     Man, I am really out of it, but I am slowly starting to piece together the last two days.

     My days are filled with art making, and video games, writing, drawing, drinking lots of coffee, and having fun.

     There are some other events that happened, but I don't even know where to begin, or if they are significant.  I don't know what context to put these minor events in.

     I am a little crazy, too, and that has never helped me much.

     There is no one sitting near me, so I can concentrate on writing.  There are people talking too loud, and that is intrusive, but I can work through it.

     It is time for a cigarette.

* * *  So here is a picture of the woman who agreed to get naked for me for $5.  Trust me, this is the best side of her.  I kind of like the lighting.  It is informative to me as an artist how light and shade acts upon the body.  Of course, even though it is a figure photo, and harmless, adsense has issues with this kind of photo on monetized blogs.  Maybe I will have to create an 18 and over website, I don't know what the fuck I am going to do.  This blog works fine for my purposes right now.  As it is my most popular blog, I wish I could make some money with it, but that is not to be.  Therefore, I am in a position where I have to give my art away for free, but I believe in what I do, so I will do it, who cares?  I got other blogs I can make money with, but I can't do the full monty there, that is for sure, faithful readers.

•      Holy shit, there is a PG&E sports utility vehicle across the street.  I guess they need it for certain tough jobs to navigate terrain.  There wasn't much they could do when Candlestick Park had power outages during a nationally televised football game.
•      Drawing pictures of people on napkins at Specs and Vesuvio has been doing me some good.  People like it.  I give it away for free, then if they like it, they can give me money.  They often do, that is the nice part.  It is honest work, since I don't feel like I am hustling people.  They can pay me or not, I don't care, I really don't.  They often don't pay, and I could give a shit.  Well, I actually do, but I still get them to take my drawing with them.  It is free advertising for me, and who knows?  Maybe they will look me up on the web, and I'll get a hit.
•      I have to make a living.  Today.  I need to do it now.
•      This blog is unfortunately not monetized.  It is my most popular blog so far.  I must keep going with it, though, because it is only here where I can let my hair down, and just be myself.
•      I am tired of 'motherfucking this, and motherfucking that', and 'nigga this and nigger that'.  It is all I hear on the streets of San Francisco.  People talking smackshit all fucking day long.  A lot of people have issues in this town, and a lot of people are mentally unstable.  Once you go homeless in this city, you have to endure the cold, and the dampness in the mornings, and that is enough to drive anybody crazy in a matter of days.  People turn to drugs instead of turning to ways in which they can help themselves.  You got to be a tough mother to survive in this world.  It ain't easy.
•      I don't know who my audience is on this blog.  It is mostly me.  I am the performer and the audience member.  I can't often think through a written piece when I am writing it.  That comes later.  I usually need a couple of days.  Only then can I decide if a piece is good or not, and if it is descriptive of what it is I want to say.  It takes time.
•      I want to be a professional blogger.  That sounds like a good job to me.  I like writing, it is fun.  I would rather sit at a keyboard then practice a musical instrument.  The keyboard makes its own sounds, so there is a rhythm to it.  I just don't have the musical discipline and inclination.  I don't know why.  Music wasn't encouraged in my home.  I don't think my mother cared if we played or not.
•      It took me a while to figure out that my mother was my enemy.  She began to not serve my interests at all.  She just wanted me to be a good little Mormon boy, and that is sad.  Fuck that.
•      For my sci-fi space epic, I came up with a world where everyone is Mormon.  It will be the Mormon planet.  The working title will be 'Mormonia'...hey, I like it.  That sounds good.  It will be the Mormon Headquarters of The Universe.  You have to be a member in good standing in order to live there.  If you lose the faith, they deport you.
•      I just saw an Indian girl with big tits.  She was pretty nice looking?  I wonder what an afternoon in bed would be like with her?  I bet it would be fun for me, but I don't know how she would feel about that.
•      It takes longer to write a good blog entry than to make a decent video.  Making a video game video is a piece of cake compared to this.
•      I've been eating well lately.  Cafe Prague does it up good.
•      I don't know how I will survive.  I had better come up with something quick.  I might have to cut my hair, and wear some decent clothes, and try to be respectable.  That never worked for me too well.  I just want to do my thing, and create wondrous works of amazing thought and beauty.
•      Fuck, I need a painting studio.  Goddammit.  If I could just get it together, it would all be so much easier.
•      Muddy Waters has never been a good money making cafe for me.  I come here mostly out of convenience.  I did sell some sculptures out on the street, but that is rare.  There aren't even a lot of people walking about on Valencia during the day of late.  I guess everybody is at work.
•      "Chew on this, Chewie".
•      Star Wars continues to permeate the culture.  I would imagine 'The Old Republic' is bringing in some bucks.
•      Everybody is getting along fine without me.  They don't seem to need me to work for them.  They have plenty of people to do the work for them.  I am outsider, a stranger to places where people have jobs.  I have no way in.  I hate the idea of interning anywhere, working without pay.  Fuck it.  I need to get paid if I am working.
•      I can't keep it together.  A job eventually makes me snap, I get so bored doing other people's crap.  I would rather work for myself.
•      I have no time for kids, or for a relationship.  I simply don't care or be bothered with all that shit.
•      Delann from Babylon 5:  All love is unrequited.  (  She might be right, so why get married and have a relationship if they don't care about you anyway?  Most people are self-interested, and have their own interests, and despite being Christian, all they think about is themselves.  Christianity has kind of failed.  I fail to see Christians doing much of anything to spread Christ's message.  There is a lack of philosophy.  It is all fucked-up, and has been for a long time.
•      I am happy just sitting here and writing.
•      I don't know what my next video will be.
•      I guess I could start writing outlines for my written material.  That might help.  At least, it could give me a structure.  I have a hard time caring about that stuff, because for right now, on this blog, with my limited or non-existent audience, I am a space filler.  I type in words, and it fills in the space of this blog.  I don't see a large amount of comprehension in the world today, so I don't see that anything I do matters all that much.
•      My goal is to get a million hits on my current youtube channel, and then go from there, and see what happens.
•      The bookstore guy often comes here.  I tried to buy a Conan book from him, but he didn't carry that stuff.  Thanks to my brother, I have the original Conan stories in one volume.  He bought it off of ebay for $10.
•      It isn't easy to make money in this world.  The economy of the whole world is in trouble, though a lot of people are doing quite well.  George Lucas is a person that is doing quite well these days.  He keeps getting richer and richer.  
•      I don't know what I could do for Star Wars.  At best, I make Clone Wars Adventures videos for youtube.  To make some original Star Wars content would not be easy.  I could do it if I really wanted to.
•      I need more coffee.
•      I told my brother yesterday that 'we have no choice but to be successful.
•      I am all over the place today with my thoughts.  Drinking is fun, but it fucks you up.
•      I saw this porn video with this English guy, and he was banging two beautiful babes, and they really seemed to like him and his curved cock.  They liked how he talked, it turned them on.  They really were going at it, the three of them.  It's not often you see a porn video where the people really seem to like each other.  Mostly, they are just doing a job.  But these three were digging it.  The guy was having the time of his life.  My my, it was quite hedonistic and filled with debauchery with what they were doing.  It was good watching.  There is no better feeling than when a woman goes down on your dick.  It feels really good.
•      It's funny to be a fornicator.  I don't see anything wrong with it, if the girl is into it.  Some girls like to get fucked.  It is fun.  Who cares?  It's just ridiculous to med with all of the religion shit these days.  It doesn't seem to apply to me.  I could hardly care less.  I refuse to allow myself to be controlled by religion.  It is silly.  I ain't going to pay some church to talk a bunch of bullshit into my head on Sundays.  It's all bullshit.  The Bible is a lousy book to base a religion on, and it is really outdated.
•      I just want to make a cleric deck in MTG.
•      I didn't buy coffee for a couple of days, because I was tapped for cash.
•      Some kid asked me to buy him some clone armor, so I told him that he had just given me a good reason to log off.  I have no tolerance for kids asking me to buy them stuff.
•      I could go home and play Lotro.  That sounds like fun.  I am not doing any quests, mostly just doing some killing and grinding.  It is all I want to do.  It is all set up where I can log in, and kill right away.  It is low xp, but I dont give a shit.  I can do quests later. 
•      I am excited about building your own dungeons in EQ2.  I have to clear out some stuff on my computer before I attempt to log into that game again.
•      I wonder what is going on with my SONY account, now that SWG is defunct?
•      I talked to Marco today, but I didn't have much to say.  I got him his money, so he was happy.  It is a long story, but it is all fixed now.  We both need money, that is for sure.
•      I wonder what job I will do?  I don't want to do any security work, or being a doorman, or any of that shit.  I want to get paid for my work.
•      There was drama at Subway last night.  Some crazy bitch woman on her goddamn cell phone.  Christ, did she make up a fuss, over shit that nobody cared about.  She was all stressed out, and she wanted everyone in the shop to know that.
•      I finally feel like I am getting everything out of my system for events that happened in the last few days.
•      Goddamn, being a blogger is tough, goddamn work.
•      It costs a cup of coffee to sit here.  When I do serious blogging, I usually need two cups.  That is $4 right there.  To make that money back through adsense will take a long time.  
•      Luckily, Cafe Prague is good to me, as are a couple of local bars.  Thank god.  It's the only way that I am making it work right now.
•      Mirek wants an oil painting of him and his wife.  I don't even paint in oil, but I can put an acrylic glaze on it that will make it look like oil.
•      What is art?  Do I have to follow some kind of philosophy?  Modernism?  Post-Modernism?  I would have to say that for me, I have to start the whole ball game from scratch.
•      The Art World is not my friend.  I can't seem to get into that club, so fuck it.
•      New Year's Eve is on Sunday.  I don't know what we are going to do about our card game.  Maybe we will just sit right through it.  At this point, I could barely give a fuck about New Years.  I mean, who could give a rat's fuckChrist piss about it?  It is just another day for me.
•      I will do what I can to help people with English at Cafe Prague.
•      I've seen some pretty girls today.  It gives me visual pleasure to look upon their bodies.  It is good that I have x-ray vision.  Clothes can be very deceptive, and can hide a lot.
•      I wasn't too happy with Kathy last night.  I was talking to her, and then some guy started talking to her, so I was left out.  There was no, "Pardon me" of any kind.  I hold her responsible.  She does this to me all the time, where she talks to me as long as it entertains her, and then she is off to the next conversation.  She has to learn to say, "David, I will talk to you later," instead of just disregarding me.  She doesn't even know she does that, I bet.  I have problems, too.  Etiquette and manners aren't easily learned.  Pretty is as pretty does.  She would look better with doing some yoga classes.  She still has baby fat.  It's time to get rid of that.  I like that she's got her Mae West thing going for her, but I would like to see her address her body.  She needs yoga boot camp of five classes a week for six months, then she can go down to three or four classes.  It would really help her to not be a flittering floozy.  I used to have a crush on her when she first starting showing up, but she had no interest in me.  I can't say I blame her for that.  Why would she like me?  No reason, therefore she doesn't.  She is an actor, and she has fun, and that is all that matters, so what does it matter about my opinion anyhow?
•      My life is a mess, and I had better get it together.
•      I had fun reading my Conan book, and sipping on Gin & Tonics.
•      I'm doing all this writing for free on this blog.  Damn, I'm giving it all away.  It doesn't matter, I had to work out shit in my head.
•      It's a pretty long blog entry, huh?
•      My friend never says bad shit about anybody.  I'm not him, though.  He might be a better person than me.
•      I called 'Rose Marie' by the name of 'Dixie' last night.  I had forgotten her name, I hadn't seen her in so long.  What does she expect?  She wasn't offended.  I'm glad.  Hell, there are women I have slept with, and I don't even remember their names.
•      That's right, I'm a bastard.  So if you are reading this, I don't know what you will think.  Compliments if you read this entire article.  I'm amazed if anybody would.  We will see over time.  If I had a choice between playing a video game and reading some bullshit blog, I would pick the video game nineteen times out of twenty.
•      Funny that this shit will be on the web forever.  Eventually, I will edit and proofread all this shit.  I don't know what to make of it right now.  I really don't.  I just spent two days getting hammered.
•      Art is a weapon.  I will use it, too.
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